To continue...that is what has torn my family apart, that, along with greed and jealousy. Mine did a lot to break me and when they were growing up, I financially raised them working two jobs when my Dad left my Mom and us kids for another woman, I bought their school clothes, paid all the household bills, financed their graduation parties, paid for school dances, dress clothes and vacations.
When they hurt me, my first reaction was anger and retaliation for the pain and hurt that they caused, then the realization set in that my love for them was not conditional on their obedience. I really love them, and as with all love, it is a risky love. I know that they need my prayers and they need mercy as it speaks of their character and not mine. So I need to calm the storm, look past this and offer mercy.
I have found that prayer is one of the best ways to break down the wall of un-forgiveness in my heart. When I begin to pray for the people who have wronged me, God gives me new eyes to see and a new heart to care for that person. As I pray I see that person as God see's them and I realize that he or she is precious to the Lord. I also see myself in a new light, just as guilty of sin and failure as the other. I too am in need of forgiveness. If God did not withhold his forgiveness from me why should I withhold my forgiveness from another.
I guess with the help of God I am healing, now if only I could sleep again. This morning in the wee hours, I woke and couldn't stop crying. I thought of my dearest Lord in the garden and how much burden he had to carry.
I also thought about when I left my job, when my brother Johnny pleaded with me to help them, that they couldn't do it without me. I poured my heart out into that job for nine years and they turned on me just like rats, at a time when the economy is at the utmost worst, its hard to think that my own flesh and blood revel knowing that I could lose my home, the one thing I've worked my entire life for. It has been a huge struggle but I am holding on and at almost 62 still working hard to do so, and I know that it will eat at my soul if I let it. So I have to be the better person. It is hard but I know I have it in me.
The beauty of it all is that they all talk about each other, with greed comes jealousies and they all talk behind each others backs. The worst is David, he has become as cold as the woman he married. He is consumed with jealousy of the other brothers families, that comes with not being able to have a family of his own. They are his partners in thievery and he calls them dumb and dumber, which isn't too far from the truth. The main reason he wanted me gone, now dumb and dumber have left him in charge and he will steal from them too...karma!
